5 Reasons Skateboarders Hate You

Josh Spooner and I in Northglenn Colorado

     Kids wiggling aimlessly on rip-sticks in the deep end of bowls and mall-rat inspired preteens with no sense of skatepark etiquette are the kinds of things that make our local parks suck more and more. If we don't do something soon, our skate retreats will be overrun with soccer-moms sitting on ledges as they film their toddlers drag their scooter around as they perform ass-slides down the banks... and that's not something I can stand for. So, here's my top five skatepark etiquette tips, follow them (and use some common sense every now and again) and I have a feeling that we'll get along just fine.

Crook in Brighton Colorado

5) Show offs-Coming in at number five is the kids at that park who are constantly looking for validation. You know what I'm talking about. They're the ones who, no matter what trick they land, have to find and hold eye contact with every dude at the park as if to say "Yeah, ya see that shit? That was all me". Yeah, I get it, you landed the trick. I'm not bitter about, in fact, I'm stoked. Usually an approving whistle or tail smack as you roll away would be enough to let you know that, but if your ego needs that extra boost, then I guess go ahead and stare into the core of my soul every time you land something. Douche.

4) Rollerbladders/scooter(er?)s/rip-sticks etc- Really it doesn't matter what're you ridding at the park. If it's not a skateboard, then you're probably already on the majority of the skateboarder's shit-lists. They've all got their reasons, and I've got mine.
-Bikes freak me out at skateparks for a couple of reasons. I get hesitant when they sit at the top of a bank or off to the side of the bowl like sharks calmly waiting to strike, cause I can never tell when they're actually gonna try something instead of psyching me out. Bikes are huge and heavy, and most importantly metal, and that's three very convincing reasons why I don't want one of them falling on me anytime soon.
-Rollerblades Easily my least favorite of the bottom feeders of the skatepark. Rollerbladders earn this spot on my personal shit list time and time again for their love for waxing every square inch of the park till every rail and ledge is a death wish. They show up with blocks of wax and attack whatever obstacle you were currently enjoying with enough wax and lube to last a lifetime. Then they proceed to "jump" -or whatever the hell it is that they do- around like a fairy for a while only to leave you with a park that'd better suit an ice rink.
-Rip-sticks/Scooters- Both are terrible, and here's why. Both rip-sticks and scooters are mainly ridden by the toddler through preteen demographic, which means that basically everyone on one has no idea how a skatepark works. They don't see the flow of the skatepark, and they don't understand that cutting off everyone to do donuts in the middle of the miniramp is a terrible idea. It's not their fault, they're just clueless.

3) Snakes- It's plain and simple, snakes suck. A snake is someone who hogs the park cause he cutting everyone off.I'm not about to propose a "take a number" system to organize the parks, and I'm not saying that I don't do my fair share of snaking as well. I just hate when it's the same kid every time who is cutting me off to attempt some bogus trick. If you're gonna cut me off, at least make it worth my while. I hope you're tying something gnarly, or at least death defying. The only thing worse than dealing with someone who is snaking your turn, is dealing with someone who is snaking your trick. Having a session on something with a group of dudes at the park is always fun, till you find that one of them is an overly-competitive asshole who has to land your trick before you do. Now if it's a friend of yours then it's usually a different story.

2) Anyone Not Skating- Those preteen girls sliding down the quarter pipes, and the old couple sitting on the marble ledge both have something in common; they don't belong here. It's a skatepark, and if you're just taking up space and not skating, then you need to get out. If you're gonna smoke weed at the park, could you not do it on the ledge that I'm skating on? And yeah, I'd feel bad if my board shot out and knocked out that old lady's teeth, but that's all the more reason for them to find other places to be old at. The same goes for the delusional mother who freaks out at you for being too careless around her kid (who is running around aimlessly). It's not like you're trying to run into the kid (usually), you're just trying to skate. So parents, don't bring your infants, it's not a daycare.

1) Mongo- Honestly I don't know why this kind of thing bothers me so much, but it does. Pushing mongo (pushing with your front foot) seems like a lifestyle to some people. Like if you push mongo, then you inherently do nothing but pop-shuv tailgrabs and primo stalls. Every time I see someone in their regular stance push mongo, I just have to stand there and wait for them to try some sort of pressure flip. I watch them as they wear their Osiris moon boots push around with a "caution tape" griped board. Again, I'm not sure why exactly it annoys me so much, but it does.

     So there you go, five simple guidelines to making my experience at the skatepark a little less stressful.

5-0 in Thornton Colorado